Mood swings : hormonal versus manic-depressive (the latter wins)

Here is a pregnant mood swing : ‘Oh I can’t have it, it will be the end of life as I know it, and nothing could be worse than that’…..then 10 minutes later : (imagining myself telling other people, after the birth, when they ask anxiously if I’m ok) ‘I am perfectly fine. It’s a baby, not a giraffe’.

Here is a bipolar mood swing : ‘The whole of the outside of the house is covered in a viscous substance and I can’t get out and nobody can get in’…..then 20 minutes later : ‘Isn’t it interesting that technetium is only found in stellar matter and not in terrestrial material?’

(I just tried to publish this post and wordpress asked me : ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’. That’s a bit strange.

By freakyparisandbeyond

strobos

Now I feel as if I am drowning in my own head. I can’t really move and I can’t eat and I can’t think properly. There is just me and Bubble the cat in this house and it feels like we are sealed off from everything and everyone else in Paris and everywhere. Normally it helps but today when I talk to even nearest and most dearest I can feel the strings that bind me to them and to reality becoming thinner and thinner as if they’ll break. I can hear the traffic in the street but it’s like strange noises from another star. We are all alone. Like as if we were whirling through space. Strobos is the Greek word for the ‘act of whirling’. That’s where the name for strobe lights comes from. It feels as if we are whirling in sick seizurish shooting lights in space. Quite exotic, really. Bubble is completely unaware of it, she is snoring in her red chair. She is unaware of it because it is all in my head. But that is the only place I can be. Surely the wee thing that is inside another part of me will decide to leave of its own accord. Surely I am not a desirable residence. I wonder what it would be like inside my head if that happened. I would know it was my fault because why would a wee thing want to stay whirling through space. It has probably had enough of that, even from before it was here in me, who knows. Maybe everybody who is, once sought sanctuary from the dip and spin of infinity. Cos we don’t know it’s oblivion, and equally well as something good it could be a dangerous, fraught place to escape from and maybe this is the escape route. Except mine has escaped into an unquiet place. There are lots of other unquiet places to gestate but they are not my concern. Surely it will leave. I would feel terrible that I hadn’t provided a safe quiet place for it to be. But it would be more like manslaughter than murder, I think.

By freakyparisandbeyond

powdered mummy and a baby

So I was ill in Scotland all of January with flu that turned into bronchitis. I lay on the sofa in my dad’s cosy book-lined study in a snowy village by the sea and read books about witches and Bram Stoker and even one about corpse medicine until it started making me feel too green. Powdered mummy (the bandaged kind) was all the rage in 18th century Britain, thought to cure all manner of ills. One of the king Charleses, I forget which, died four days after ingesting it, unfortunately, while the first Charles was allegedly made into corpse medicine. He must have been much in demand. Surely king trumped even mummy, what with being appointed by God and all that. I imagine king was wildly expensive, like Beluga caviar, and was perhaps consumed from the blushing bellies of virgins, to make it even more effective. Speaking of virgins, mummy was often a bit pricey for the common folk – like Beluga – so virgins made an ok second-best, and lots of young girls were kidnapped for the purpose. But the corpse medicine purveyors were too avid for their very filthy lucre to wait until the virgins had crumbled to dust, so they just sold their blood, bones, skin etc instead, to be supped, devoured, even applied to cuts and grazes. When even virgins weren’t available, dead soldiers would do. When I got to the bit about people drinking the blood straight from dead soldiers’ wounds as they lay festering on their battlefields, I had to put the book down, and watch a Julia Roberts movie to changer les idées, or think about something else. Unfortunately later that day I had a nice manic spell of hallucinating in which lots of furniture started shaking and leaping and even changing places, so where the rocking chair had been, there was the sofa, and vice versa, it was very startling. The kitchen table vibrated and glittered with menace and cupboards leaned forward alarmingly as if they were trying to fall on my head. Ding dong yelled the clock in glee and I would have been hyperventilating except I could barely breathe because my bronchii were all bunged up, and then my dad and step-mum came in. They were then treated to a terrified incoherent wail which they couldn’t make out because all I could do was wheeze and squeak, and it was all about harassment by furniture so wasn’t very comprehensible anyway. They were very understanding indeed, despite not understanding at all, and after a bit I calmed down and took some codeine and a tranquilliser and managed to snooze. Hallucinating is very tiring. Unbeknownst to me, throughout this whole month of choking and coughing and cold sweats and misbehaving furniture, I was pregnant. Which perhaps didn’t help.

The book is called ‘Mummies, Cannibals and Vampires : the History of Corpse Medicine from the Renaissance to the Victorians’. Best not read when sick with bacterial infections or prey to psychotic visions. Probably.

By freakyparisandbeyond

Gripped by the nose of the goat

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I am at my mum’s house in Edinburgh, Scotland for Christmas. She is in bed with flu, my sister is in bed with flu, and I am in bed trying to avoid the flu. My brother is hiding from the flu at the other end of the house, lest he be gripped by it. I’ve been using the word ‘grippe’ (flu) in French for 6 years but I never thought to wonder why it’s called that. ‘Gripper’ means to clasp or hook, or grip (argh that’s a bit obvious). So the French for flu is ‘thing-that-gets-its-hook-in-you’. Which is quite good. The English word influenza comes from the Italian ‘influentia’, because flu was thought to be such a grand and mysterious thing that it could only be powered by the universe, the moon and stars influencing who got it and who escaped. That’s quite good as well. But the best one is the phonetically similar Arabic ‘anf-al-anza’, which means ‘nose of the goat’, as goats were thought to be transporters of the disease. Oh dear, our household is gripped by the nose of the goat. What a mysterious place to be.

By freakyparisandbeyond

Fiendish ORLs!

An ORL is an ear doctor. They are all crackers here. It must be staring into people’s ears for too long after too many espressos that does it.

By freakyparisandbeyond

I’ll get you, mon petit, says the French civil servant

My stars today :

Avec le Soleil dans votre camp, rien ne vous paraîtra impossible : vous serez animé d’un grand courage et d’une ténacité peu commune. Sachez malgré tout ménager vos forces et ne pas en arriver au surmenage. Il y a des limites à ne pas dépasser !

An idiomatic translation :

With the sun (shining) on your field, nothing will appear impossible to you : you will be animated by a great courage, and an uncommon tenacity. Know that you must neverthless handle your forces carefully, not to arrive at a meltdown. There are limits that must not be passed!

So, a good day on which to continue my eternal fight with the French administration, as long as I don’t forget to handle my forces properly. Animated by my great courage, I phone the RAM or the RSI (something to do with something to do with healthcare, not sure which is which or if they are the same or totally different or linked by a cosmic daisy chain) and ask if I may arrange a meeting with them, because Je suis écossaise et je ne comprends rien (I am Scottish and understand nothing).  The functionary on the end of the phone says it’s impossible to arrange a meeting, and that I must go to the RAM/RSI/CSI/CIA office and wait. I politely enquire if there’ll be a long queue. (I’ve spent approximately four of my six years in France hanging about in dank 70s waiting rooms in the vain hope of completing the various dossiers necessary for life to exist in this country, so I like to know if I need to take provisions and a pillow). The uncivil servant becomes suddenly hysterical and in a burst of righteous outrage, yells : Je ne sais pas, Madame! Mais comment je peux vous dire! Il faut y aller!!! (I don’t know, Madame! But how could I (of all people) tell you that! You need to go there!) She sounded like she was choking on a gerbil so I quickly wished her a lovely day, and put the phone down before she died.

My preternatural doggedness having slunk off to the kennel of all failed promises, I unstaunchly fled  to Jo-in-the-bar’s bar. Jo was playing scrabble with a Swiss man. I wailed hello and begged to know why civil servants in France are so beastly uncivil. The Swiss said it was because they are ill-liked and ill-paid, and therefore use their petit pouvoir (puny bit of power) to ill-effect. He told me I must not approach them like an angry car horn but instead like a humble cow bell. He said he went to the CMU (or EMU, or something) and he said : I am very sorry, I am desperate and I am Swiss and I don’t understand anything at all. Please will you help me?

He also opined that the functionaries who hail from la France d’outre mer (France of the Outer Sea – such a romantic moniker for stolen territory in the name of empire) are taking their vengence for bad deeds done to them and their ancestors by said empire. What a bizarre thing to say.

By freakyparisandbeyond

Paris Hallowe’en with the weird circle

I wasn’t sure what to wear to this kind of Hallowe’en celebration so I went as a nurse-ghoul and my person, very fetchingly, was a doctor-ghoul. The deep dark world of BDSM is an almost uncharted sea for us but having paddled – hehe – about in its shallows by ourselves, we thought Hallowe’en to be a suitable occasion to dive in out of our depths, to the octopus’s garden, or the shark’s chamber.

We traipsed palely without loitering through the 9th arrondissement, the Parisians who crossed our path pretending not to see us. Maybe we were invisible in our ghoulishness, or more likely just not sufficiently chic. We arrived at an ordinary door with a small brass plaque indicating the residence of the strange circle. Spooky already. We tapped in the code. Most Paris apartment blocks have doorcodes for the main door and often also for the separate staircases, but this time it felt even more like a fighting fantasy gamebook than usual. These were the print precursors to modern video games, where you chose what creepy alley to take or which door to open, beyond which there would be a freaky thing like a green spider in a jar or a scary goblin. Except this night it was Hallowe’en so Brando’s ghost in unholy tryst with recently disappeared (one of the French euphemisms) Romy Schneider would have been more fitting. And just perfect guests for this party !

Beyond the second door was a dark courtyard with a far stairway glimmering down into the earth. At the foot of the stairwell was a third door, with a discreet bell. We waited. I was jittery beneath my ghoul getup. Like Michael Stipe might sing if he were even more underworldy, every ghoul hurts, sometimes. As we were to find out. After a nervous minute, a great big man opened the door and wished us bon soir. We were in a candlelit, hall with a heavy black curtain at the end, beyond which we could hear soft murmurs, the purr that velvet would make if it could. The great big man took our coats and our names, which we’d decided on the way over would be Plaquette (platelet) and Globule (blood cell). He bade us pull the curtain and enter.

It was like walking into the shadowy satiny furry pink belly of a cat. Except there was a dalmation sitting in the cosy smoking area, with a bare-breasted witch and a man in black. The dalmation belonged to a plump and frilly lady of the midnight, who came bustling over with a red ribboned bag of sweeties. She made me think of a well-to-do fin de siècle London flower girl, if all her blooms were black; Eliza Doolittle grown-up and well-fed and reimagined by Lucifer on the other fallen angels’ afternoon off. The sweets were just plain boiled though; no worms in them or anything, so that was alright. Needing a drink, we went over to the snug little bar, where green lacy hands glowed above us and the great big man served us pink champagne. A skinny guy called Grenouille at the end of the bar said hello and told us that he wasn’t an habitué and that he’d really just come to have a drink with the company. Noticing my spanking new red leather collar, he very politely mentioned to my person that he’d like to play with me, with my person’s permission, of course. The permission was refused, courteously, and courteously accepted. Novice that I am, and feminist as I shall always be, I rolled my eyes, which was fine, as I was a ghoul. Then along came Death. He wore a monk’s habit and a hood and a skeleton mask. He didn’t seem disposed to talk. I guess Death is solitary by nature, but this was a party. However, we wouldn’t have been able to hear him anyway, from under his, er, death mask. He just sat on a bar stool, scythe in hand, looking surprisingly submissive. Rather than try to engage in doubtful chatter with the Great Leveller, who was behaving more like a great wallflower, we went for an explore.

The place was quite compact, with a main hanging-out – or simply hanging – area in the middle, surrounded by the bar, a little salon area for being sociable, and various small rooms. It was all deep colours and sumptuous textures; the floor was dark Turkish carpets, which altogether muffled sound, well, except for the crack of whips. One small room which could be glimpsed from the main area had a cross on which people could be pinned. Another, behind a black curtain, housed a leather swing with stirrups and, um, a sofa. And yet another was a dinky little hospital with a couple of corrupted dentist chairs and a swing-top bin. We later learned that the latter two rooms were reserved for private use: you couldn’t just barge in and have a swing with whoever was installed in it, for example. But all this was for later. Now dinner was served in the salon, with its unexpectedly firm black latex-y sofas set around a low table. The dalmation unpeeled his face and revealed the head of a middle-aged accountant-type person, or maybe an under-project manager. He had a very respectable haircut. Death, too, unmasked himself, revealing a geeky young man with glasses on. Pumpkin soup was served, little dollops of gloop in tiny bowls. The great big man told us to make sure and stir it properly as the cream was at the bottom. This is very French, to instruct even the freakiest of Hallowe’en party goers in how properly to consume their soup. Other ooky amuse-gueules (face-amusers, or nibbles) were served and then there was a buffet of cold meats and a slimy Russian salad. The bare-breasted witch tucked in the label that was sticking up from my nurse-ghoul dress, which was friendly. Nipples ok, labels no. Another cliché confirmed, but in such a sweet way.

After dinner, a nice man in leather, who looked a bit like the actor Dominic West, but who very certainly wasn’t the actor Dominic West, was put in a cage and tied up by his caped blonde mistress. He was very convivial from the confines of his cage, though, and smiled and watched and commented through the bars. The bell rang dimly and into the party came an elegant and grandly-imposing black-haired witch in gothic lace. She soon disappeared into the swing room with Grenouille, who hadn’t on first meeting seemed to us like a very erotic sort of person, but when they later emerged, she did look like a sated, if still supremely imperious witch. While they were doing things on the swing, the rest of the Halloween people had been getting into the spooky spirit. A small and nearly naked Japanese man was tied to a hook in the ceiling of the main room. He didn’t seem to have a mistress so everyone took turns in tweaking his nipples and running scary-looking implements across his skin, and other such tendresses.

It turned out that the fin de siècle flower lady was the dalmation’s mistress. She‘d tied him to the cross in the adjoining room, but his tail kept getting in the way while she was whipping him. Tricky things, tails. Soon the dalmation was freed, and returned to the salon area where he had a little marshmallow dessert. The poor Japanese guy hung there blindfolded and poked and smacked by all and sundry for about two hours, until the flower lady freed him and he passed out in the salon room, still blindfolded, with his mouth open.

Meanwhile, the bare-breasted lady was over the knees of her master getting a fessée, or spanking. His expression as he alternately wollopped and stroked her was one of the utmost tenderness, as if she was a little kitten he’d had entrusted to his care, and whom he would do all in his power to protect. Then he made her go get him his dessert on her hands and knees from the buffet, and got a pat, or a smack for her pains, not so much a like kitten, more like a spaniel in a 50s movie, but directed by a kinky Nosferatu. The man who wasn’t Dominic West observed all this with a naughty grin. Then his mistress pulled down his leather trousers through the bars and gave his bare bottom a whipping with a cane. Finally, they had a loving smooch and she uncaged him. Whereupon he bounded delightedly about and chatted to people, like a giddy social butterfly in bat‘s clothing, a bat in a leather thong, maybe. I asked him if he didn’t get bored, there in the cage by himself, while his mistress conversed with the other dominas, sharing whip tips. He said not at all, that it was ‘trop fort’ – that it was impossible to think of anything other than his cagedness, and the caning to come, with its stinging aftermath. And then he said something deliciously romantic : “I’d adore to stay in the cage all night,” (thereby informing me they had one at home) “but we just love sleeping together and waking up together too much to do that.” Indeed throughout the evening they were as lovey-dovey as ever a couple was, it was just that she happened to lock him up and whip him, and graciously allowed other dominas to tie him spreadeagled to a cross and thrash him, while she looked on. 

Like the tall circus-y lady who arrived late to the proceedings with a black box that looked alarmingly like it might carry weapons, which in a manner of speaking it did. A lovely collection of implements, including two small but lethal whips which she used with the dexterity of a debauched majorette. When she was introduced to us, she told us she hoped we thought the clientèle was making an effort to welcome us. We said that everyone was very solicitous of our well-being, while also frequently asking if we were going to ‘play’, as in be tied up or whipped or spanked, by each other or anyone else. And it’s true that nearly everyone made an effort to talk to us, and ask us, ‘ça va?’ (are you ok?). We got a ça va at least every fifteen minutes from somebody. That’s an awful lot of people concerned for your welfare over the course of an evening, and they did seem genuinely hopeful that we were having a good time. And that everyone present had a good time. The amazonian whip twirler wasted no time in opening her scary black box and so finally Death’s silent patience was rewarded. Stripped of his habit he was the only guest to be entirely naked when manacled to his cross. He had an odd physique, very tall and thin, but with a pot belly that drooped down from his midsection as if accustomed to disappointment. But he wasn’t to be disappointed tonight. He had seemed so shy, and he still did seem shy, except that he was desperate to be whipped in the nude in the main room in front of everyone…and his wish came true. After a mistressful beating that left his bottom all tender and pink, he knelt down to kiss the amazon’s shiny boots of leather, before retiring to put his habit and skeleton face back on. The amazon, meanwhile, had sourced the other two submissive men at the party and without more ado had one of them – who had five minutes before been ça va-ing us and chatting about this and that – pinned to a cross while she pulled at his penis, from her position straddling Grenouille, who was visibly in seventh heaven, or hell at this new turn of events. So everybody got their own particular rocks off in some fashion. Other than from the great big man, who seemed a bit too keen for us to get involved, we felt no pressure from anyone.  It was the friendliest and most relaxed evening of extremely freaky sadomasochistic Hallowe’eny goings-on that any true domina or soumise could hope for. My person and I left to a chorus of cheery bon soirs and à bientôts and smiles from people on all fours. Everyone had been so friendly and frank and forthcoming. There was just one thing we hadn’t quite managed to ask though, as we felt too silly. We’d inquired about the cages and the implements and if it were permitted for the two of us to boldly go alone into the little rooms, and do unmentionable – well, mentionable, in this company – things on the swing and the dentist’s chair. But : ‘Excuse me, what’s the French for a male domina? A domino? Noooo! Couldn’t ask that. Too embarrassing!

By freakyparisandbeyond

Is this a suicide bull I see before me?

 

As I am a crackpot cat, I have to take medication, and spend lots of time getting on and off things (not things like trains, though I do like trains; drugs, I mean). I’m thinking about adding a new ingredient to my pharmaceutical cocktail – I wonder what that might be called? Manic Mule? Bats on the Beach? Starting taking new medication is usually a bit dreadful, but nothing like as monstrous as getting off it. Here’s something I wrote last year, when I was stopping taking a certain fiendish drug, and the very expensive Parisian psychologist forgot to tell me there would be side effects, or symptômes de manque, ‘symptoms of missing’ :

It’s 3am and I can’t sleep because my sinuses are aching from crying and I keep thinking crazy things. So I looked up citalopram – the drug I’m trying to stop taking – on Google, in English. As I live in France, Google sometimes automatically translates web pages. It’s very thorough. So here are a few of the effects that this drug may have :

it may cause convulsions in depressed Islamic scholars
it often works as an anti-depressant for hunters and priests
it may mean amputation for Dutch adventurers
it may cause delays in intestinal worms in Mediterranean people

…good news for hunters and priests, but I’d be worried if I were a Dutch adventurer

it may give you a knowledge of kings
it may work for Anyone!
it may cause Mexicans only to imagine healing
it may cause the suicide bull to appear in France
it may cause village communities with ruddy complexions to need help
it may cause billion-dollar-armour-plated-like skin deformation
it may cause primitive nomads to reach Europe

…wouldn’t like to meet the suicide bull in some midnight Paris backstreet, must keep a look out

it may cause a psychiatric November

I quite like that one…

people taking it may get a citalopram withdrawal pet

Absolutely! Everyone trying to come off citalopram should get a citalopram withdrawal pet! I’ll think about that and maybe I’ll get to sleep. I have my citalopram withdrawal pet here on the bed beside me. She’s snoring and she has her paw tucked under her chin.

I recently tried to find this web page again. It is nowhere at all. But it was there! I didn’t imagine the suicide bull! It wasn’t a product of my mangled mind.

 

By freakyparisandbeyond